What to tell the kids about your divorce

The attorneys of Haas & Associates, P.A. know that separation and divorce are extremely painful and confusing times for both adults in the relationship.  However, we also know that when parents are separating or divorcing, their pain and confusion is compounded by concerns about who, what, when, where and how to tell their children.  Below are some tips for parents on having that oh-so-important conversation:

Steps to take for a positive conversation

1. Before you tell your kids that you have decided to end your relationship, discuss with your partner/spouse what you are going to say and how you are going to say it.
2. The optimum time to tell the kids is when you have made the final decision to separate and you have a time line as to what is going to happen and when.
3. Explain as much as possible about the agreed-upon upcoming day-to-day arrangements.  Give the children details such as where Mommy and Daddy will each be living, who the children will be living with, when visits with each parent will occur and when the children will have telephone or other access to each parent.  Be careful, though.  Do not tell your children about any arrangements that have not been agreed to by both parents.  Children form attachments to and expectations about what you tell them will happen.  Do not set them up to be disappointed.
4. Most child psychologists agree that it is best for both of you to tell the children together.  This lets them know that the decision was mutual, that it was made maturely and rationally, that it is permanent and that both parents love them and are committed to things remaining as cordial and stable as possible.  Warning:  If you do not believe that you and your spouse are at a place where you can tell the children together without conflict, then choose which of you will tell the children alone.  But try to come to an agreement as to what the informing parent is going to say.
5. Although the children will have an immediate emotional response to the news, do not be surprised if they also ask practical questions such as, “Will Daddy still take me to soccer practice?” or “Can I take my toys when I visit at Mommy's house?”  Be prepared to answer these questions as best you can.
6. Be honest.  When telling the kids your reasons for separation or divorce, be as truthful and as appropriate for the age and maturity of your child as possible.  For younger children, keep it simple.  Tell them what is happening and what is happening to them.  For teenagers, know that they may ask “why?” or try to cast blame on one parent or the other.  Tell them the truth, as appropriate, but do not fill them in on every graphic adult detail.
7. Answer your children's questions, but also listen for their hidden questions.  Understand that older children may ask if they are the cause of the separation or focus on who is to blame.  Younger children often assume that they are responsible without asking, and feel guilty and afraid that one or both parents are angry at them or will abandon them.
8. Do not blame either parent or talk negatively about the other parent in the presence or hearing of your children.  Children do not like to think of either parent in a negative way, and this will only lead your children to think bad things about you or cause them to feel unsafe when they are with the other parent.
9. Understand that your children will hear much more than the words you are saying.  They will listen to the tone of your voice, notice your body language and react to non-verbal signs of conflict and tension.
10. All children need to be reassured often that they are loved and that they will continue to be loved.  They need the security of being told and being shown that divorce is an adult problem, that it will be handled by adults, and that neither parent's love for the children has changed or will change in the future.
11. Consult experts or material written by experts such as therapists, counselors or child psychologists on the best way to talk to your kids about divorce.  Remember that it is likely to be a conversation they will remember for a very long time.

Please also refer to the following What Kids Need to Know About Divorce for information about divorce that was designed to be read and understood by children.

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What kids need to know

When your parents are getting divorced

Hi!  We are lawyers who work with families, and as part of that, we deal with stuff about kids every day.  We know you are having a really hard time right now.  We have talked to other lawyers, judges, psychologists, teachers, parents and kids to put together some things for you to know and remember as you go through this big change in your life.

1. YOUR PARENTS’ DIVORCE IS NOT YOUR FAULT.  There are a lot of reasons why adults get divorced and it is a very difficult decision for them.  But you are not to blame for why your parents are separating.  Nothing you said or did caused this to happen.  Nothing you can say or do will make your parents stay together or get back together.
2. Your parents are separating from each other.  They are not divorcing you.  Both of your parents love you and will always love you.  Divorce is an adult problem and it will be handled by the adults.
3. You do not have to choose a side or pick one parent over the other.  Your parents will not live together anymore, but they will try hard to make sure that you see both of them as much as possible.
4. Your parents might get angry and stressed out sometimes because they are working on a lot of grown-up problems.  Remember that they are not mad at you and that they both want what is best for you.
5. Your parents know that you have important things in your life like school, sports, music and friends, and they will try to make sure that things stay the same for you as much as possible.
6. Your brothers and sisters are going through the same things you are.  You should lean on each other when you are feeling down and help each other feel better.
7. It is OK to be angry, scared, confused or embarrassed about your parents’ divorce.  But you should try hard to tell your parents how you feel.  You can also talk to your teacher, counselor, grandma/grandpa or other adult you trust.  A lot of people—including other kids—have parents that are separated or divorced.  They will be able to help you if you talk to them.

Divorce is SCARY. It’s OK to be scared.  Below is some information—straight from the lawyers—about how divorces work to help you understand what is going to happen over the next couple of months.

Your parents are going to stop living together.  They will probably hire lawyers to help them talk about where you are going to live.  You will always be welcome in both of your parents' houses and now you will have two bedrooms, two sets of clothes and games and toys at two houses instead of one.

Things are different in real life than they appear on TV.  Just because your parents have lawyers, it does not mean they are fighting and it does not mean that they will go to court.  It just means that they need a little bit of help working through things. If your parents do end up in court, the judge will not be scary or mean or put anyone in jail.  He or she will also be there to help your parents decide on the best way to take care of you.

Your parents will sit down with their lawyers, and maybe with a judge, to talk about how you will spend Thanksgiving, Christmas, your birthday and other holidays.  They will try hard to make sure you get to see both of your parents on all of your special days.  They will also talk about stuff like vacations and making sure you can talk to both of your parents on the phone.  As for your parent-teacher conferences, school stuff, sports games, plays and recitals, it is pretty likely that both of your parents will always be invited and try hard to be there for you.

Your parents and their lawyers will probably come up with an agreement that will be written down and have information for them about lots of things.  Your stuff belongs to you and your parents will try hard to respect your wishes about what happens to it.  But the other stuff in your house might stay where it is, or go with the parent that moves out.  Either way, it will still be part of one of your homes.

Once your parents have worked everything out, and they sign some papers (and sometimes a judge signs too), the divorce will be over and everything will go on like it used to—except your whole family will not live in the same house anymore.  You will still see both of you parents, but you probably will not see them together very much.  Your parents might make new friends and maybe even eventually marry somebody new, but no one will ever replace your mommy or daddy and nobody will ever make your parents stop loving you.

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What to do when you get in trouble at school

1. Ask the principal or other adult to call your mom/dad/caretaker IMMEDIATELY.  We know it will be hard to face your mom or dad after you have gotten in trouble.  But it is VERY important that they be there for you so they can understand exactly what happened.
2. BE POLITE.  Tell the principal or other adult that you would rather not answer any questions until your mom/dad/caretaker gets there.
3. As soon as you can, sit down and write out everything that happened as best you can remember it.  This might be something you can do while you wait for your parents to get to school.  If the principal asks to see what you have written, tell him/her that you would like to show your parents first.  Be sure to write down how you felt while things were happening—for example, angry, scared or out of control.
4. Try very hard to remember everyone who saw or heard what happened.  Write down the names of the teachers, coaches, school safety officers, staff (like the cafeteria lady, the bus driver or the maintenance man) and other students who saw or heard what happened.  If you do not know someone's name, write down as much about that person as you can remembers such as "an 8th grader with red hair who is on the basketball team" or "the teacher with the funny glasses who teaches 4th graders."
5. If what happened was a fight or something where you got hurt physically, you can ask to lie down in the nurse's office until your parents get there.  Do not be afraid to ask to see the nurse if something is hurting you or you are scared.
6. If you are feeling pressured to talk about what happened and your parents are not there yet, ask the principal if another adult you trust can be there with you.  Sometimes this person is a guidance counselor, the Exceptional Children Coordinator or a Curriculum Assistance (CA) or other special teacher.  When that person shows up, tell him/her that you would like to wait for your parents before you speak with anyone else. 

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Because every family is different

The attorneys of Haas & Associates, P.A. understand that each family has its own unique needs and goals that should be honored and furthered by the legal professionals who support them.  That is why commitment to our clients' needs is our number one priority.  Call us at 1-919-827-0916, or contact Haas & Associates, P.A. online to set up a consultation with one of our attorneys.